Cleaning up my act

I screwed up. Bad. I hurt the two people who mean the world to me. The only two people who have been there for me through EVERYTHING. I disrespected them, and I wrote something that, though I didn't mean for it to be taken seriously, was taken in the worst way possible. That is completely my fault. I don't think about things. I write whatever is on my mind, which many times involves swearing, and forget that the majority of people take those words in a way very different than I do. I now realize clearer than ever that not everyone has the same mindset as me. Unfortunately, it's too late. I have already hurt my parents more than I ever have in the past, and I would do anything to take it back. Lately, I have been immature, irresponsible, disrespectful, and overall a terrible daughter. I have blown my money when my parents begged me not to, I haven't done a single favor that they have asked me to and 3 a.m. calls telling them I'm not coming home until morning have become more and more frequent. 

I screwed up. 

I really don't know why I have been acting the way that I have. I mean, yes...I do believe that a large part of college is having fun, which many times includes alcohol. But, I don't want to hurt people in the process. My parents have given me everything. They have gone above and beyond when most parents would have just given up. My parents LOVE me, and I haven't done anything to show them how much I care. I haven't even given them a single ounce of respect. So, that nagging I talked about in my last post was most definitely deserved. 

Even though I feel worse than I ever have, I know that it is my fault. I am also glad that it happened. No, I didn't want to hurt anyone...but I needed a wake up call. Seeing my parent's tears when they told me that they've read what I wrote about them was a huge slap in the face...and I don't mean an insulting slap...I'm talking about a wake up and see what you're doing slap. I needed that. 

What I really don't understand is how, after everything I have put them through, they still love me. Not only that, they are still going out of their way to try and fix my mistakes. They told me today that they were both planning on taking second jobs so that I wouldn't have to work two jobs while in school to make up for my spending over the summer. I don't deserve that. I deserve to be kicked out of the house and forced to get by on my own...but my parents love me too much. I really have no idea how I got so lucky. 

So, after getting this much needed wake up call, I have decided that I need to make some changes. Here is what I have so far:

Start showing respect

This is definitely the first thing I need to start with. I have been so rude and hurtful and it all stems from disrespect. I know that I have been this way towards friends too - some more than others, and for that I am sorry. I don't know why acted the way that I did, and I would do anything to take it back. But, since I can't, all I can do is try to get better. 

Spend less money

I have never had good spending habits. Now, at 20 years old, I am in debt and causing my parents insane amounts of stress because I've been too selfish to get control and handle it myself. It's time for me to grow up, and I know it. 

Swear less

I know that I have an insanely dirty mouth, and I'm sure it has offended many people. I am so sorry if you were one of them. I don't really know where I picked up the habit, but I know I need to stop. Though I doubt I will stop swearing all together, I do want to cut out at least 90% of it. Today, my dad pointed out that in my previous posts, I swore so much that it overshadowed the writing, and that if I were to have taken out all of the F-bombs and other various offensive words, it would actually be pretty good. I thought about going back and changing what I wrote, deleting the things that were hurtful and editing every post, but decided to leave it. I want those to be there as a reminder of who I used to be, of how I hurt people and something for me to look at if I start to go back. 

Drink less

No, I really don't drink very much anymore. But, I know that when I go back to Muncie, the situation will probably be different. I don't want to go back to who I was freshman year - which is where I was heading. Yes, I will still go out. Yes, I will still drink. But I want to be smart about it and I don't want to get totally wasted and do things I end up regretting. It's not worth it. So for those of you at Ball State...don't worry - I'll still be at the parties with a drink in hand, but I plan on taking easy, and on being there only because I love you guys rather than going because I love you guys AND I want to get trashed. 

Set a better example

My little brother is going to be starting his freshman year at Southern Indiana soon and I am praying that he is smarter than I am. I have set an awful example for him, and because of that I'm pretty sure I've lost his respect. Honestly though, I think that's a good thing. If he did respect me, he would want to do the things I was doing. He would look up to me, and follow my example. That is the last thing I want. I have made some very poor decisions with my life the past few years, and I just pray that he has a better head on his shoulders than I did. From now on, I want to set an example that I can be proud of. I want to feel comfortable with myself and my decisions rather than feeling guilty or knowing that I was hurting someone else. I want to stop doing things that I feel like I have to hide from people. I'm tired of being ashamed. 

I think that's a pretty good start. I'm sure I will have more to add, but I'm hoping that these changes will help make me a better daughter, friend, sister and overall a better person. 

To those I have hurt, both friends and family - I am truly sorry. Though I have said it a billion times before, I want to change. I do however, know that I will need your help. If any of you see me doing the things that I have said I want to stop, please don't be afraid to say something. Also, if I do or have done anything to hurt, offend, or annoy you. Please tell me. I can't get better if I don't know what I am doing wrong, and, honestly, half the time I don't even know when I'm upsetting someone. I really do want to get better, but I need all the help I can get. 

I also want you all to know that I love you. Even though I rarely show it, and even though I don't deserve love in return, I honestly don't know where I would be without the people in my life. So please, forgive me for hurting you. Forgive me for making countless mistakes, and believe that this time it's for real. I'm tired of being the person that hurts those around her. I want to show everyone in my life the love and compassion that my parents show to me. I want, more than anything, to be more like them. They are strong in their faith, they love those around them, they are hard working and more in love than any couple I have ever seen. Even though I have done nothing to show it, I have so much respect for them, and I hope that one day I can be half the parent, teacher, spouse and friend that they are. 

I screwed up...but I am sorry. And I am going to try harder than ever to make things right. 

I get by with a little help from my friends

This week sucks. Really, it does. It started getting bad when I went to the doctor on Wednesday for a check-up that turned out to be a cancer screening because apparently I'm high risk and they found cells that are screwed up...or something. Fuck. To make things better, my parents have been on my ass all week about everything. God I'm ready to be back in Muncie. Living at home sucks. Ok, so after the cancer news I decided to go chill with some friends to get my mind off things. It was working pretty damn well until my best friend called to say she'd been avoiding me for the past 2 weeks because she was pissed off about a bunch of little things that she had let build up. Fuckin' fantastic. Fortunately, that got resolved and the night ended pretty well. 

So on to Thursday I am getting ready to go to dinner with Allie and then chill in Noblesville when I realize I haven't gotten a text from my friend Jeremy in awhile, which is strange since I usually get them on a semi-regular basis. So, I go on facebook to say hi and break down when his entire wall is covered in posts saying how much he'll be missed and to rest in peace. I come to find out that on Monday, he got in a car accident and died on the scene. I'm still dealing with that one. I can't bring myself to delete his number from my phone...but every time I see it I just freeze and stare at it. I really don't know to deal with it all. He lives in PA, so I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye. Then again, I guess no one did. 

This part is for Jeremy, may he rest in peace. 

You lit up the room every time you stepped in

With your bottle of wild turkey, you could always win. 

You would cry out "let's pound some beers!" 

Then laugh until you were close to tears. 

Those times here on earth may be through

But I hope that up there, the beer is still flowin for you. 

We miss you, Jeremy, with all our hearts

But I know that this is just the start. 

We'll see you again some day

And until then, I'll be looking your way 

RIP Naylor. 

I'd like to say my week got better, but it really didn't. Thursday night I ended up pretty drunk and did some things I regret. I'm pretty sure I probably said some things I would regret too if I could remember what they were. But whatever, shit happens. Unfortunately, this made for a pretty awkward 4th of July. Fabulous. So instead of just chillin with friends and blowing shit up, I'm trying to figure out what the hell happened. Ended up staying there, things were normal for like an hour, and then it was back to the weird awkwardness. Fuck that. So, I'm pretty sure I won't be hanging out with those people any time soon - which sucks. I hate shit like that. Why the fuck can't people grow up, say exactly what's wrong no matter how hurtful it may be, and then get over it. Seriously?? Problems would be solved so much easier if people would just be blunt and get it over with. But whatever. Shit happens. Hopefully one day it will be cool again. If not, there were some good times. 

On the bright side - I did get to drink and blow shit up for the 4th. So that made things a little better. I'm also (hopefully) going to see one of my favorite people tonight, which would rock. 

Alright, I should get ready to babysit. I apologize for the depressing content of this post, and would like to make it up by ending it with a quick look at some of the most retarded things I have ever heard before in my life...and my responses:

1) "I wanna get hiiiiiiigh" - Dude, you're already fucking high. You're so high that you FORGOT you were high. How about you save you're money, and wait until you're not high to say that you wanna get high. Fucking tool. 

2) "I know he's not a good guy...but I love him" Ok...he hits you, treats you like shit, is probably cheating on you...and you love him. Um, you're a dumb bitch. 

3) "It's ok...I was drunk" Hahaha fuuuuck that! Yeah, I've done some stupid ass shit when I was drunk, some of which I regret. But hey, shit happens. Just please, don't use being drunk to justify you're mistakes. Laugh about them - yes. Take it like a man when you're friends make fun of you - yes. But don't use alcohol as your excuse to be a dumbass. 

Yeah I know...not very funny. Whatever, fuck you. I tried, didn't I? Hopefully I'll have a better, less depressing rant sometime in the next few days. If not, no one reads this thing anyway so it doesn't matter. Ha. 

Alright...in conclusion...

Fuck...

- assholes

- drama

- awkwardness

- death

- cancer

- obnoxious parents

- living at home

- gas prices

Fin.